New Career

I get excited like a little child that loves telling the story of miracles when I speak about how this new job offer that arrived yesterday came about. Two weeks ago I was laying in bed crying at night and wrote a letter to God asking him to give me a new job. I didn’t want to choose it because I don’t have a clue what I would want to do or what would make me happy or feel fullfilled. I’m so scared of doing anything in my own will and yet I’m scared of God’s will too because every horrible detour was not a decision that I had made without what i believed to be spiritual guidance.

When I moved away from Houston and took a job with the title guy in Orange County, I had received many dreams of ancestors telling me I had to leave. And one morning I even woke up with a vision of Jesus standing right there in front of me holding a purple suitcase. I flew to LA for a weekend and discovered that finding a place to meet my budget was impossible – especially if I needed a yard for Drako. So I decided that I must be mistaken. God’s will would never ask me to do something that’s financially impossible. In my next trip to Orange, CA I settled on an apartment and then when I moved in I immediately went into panic. I still don’t know what I hated about it. I feltl ike there was mold in the AC or something that I was allergic to. But in truth I was just wildly uncomfortable and nervous about being alone in a strange place without any real understandng of why I was there.

The job wasn’t what I had hoped it would be. The world was shut down and I ended up in isolation with my dog working from a tiny apartment and the guy I thought that was meant to be my future love interests hardly played a part in my life. He was too busy with his own world.

My daughter moved in, my son came to visit, I lost my job and then everything fell apart and I went back to Texas. Back in Texas I became ever more confused. It’s impossible to explain the feeling of having no where to belong to – nowhere that feels right and nowhere that seems to offer a light in the darkness. I didn’t understand what my purpose in life was anymore and I didn’t. understand how God could still be with me in such a mess.

Then again in tears and prayer I had dreams again and followed those as instructions. I took the airline job and was waiting for the alignment; that moment when God would place within me the knowing that I was on the right track. It never came. I found whatever reason I could to feel good on the outside and I faked a smile each day and I worked hard to keep my spirits high by recording the little miracles on the outside – anything I could find. My daughter moved in, my son came to visit and then it all fell apart and I moved back to Texas again.

This feels like a cycle. I’ve never known God to be a God of cycles. I understand the Bible to teach of trials and of season and even of temptation in seasons that show up in 3’s. But three years of exterior destruction followed by 7 years of what feels like the descriptions of a dark night of the soul that stirs and spins without an exit in sight and keeps repeating the same patterns doesn’t feel like God’s way. He promises life more abundant.

Last night I slept for a very long time. I recall having a bad dream at one point and speaking in the dream or in the twilight moments in between consciousness, “I rebuke you in Jesus.” I feel my soul inside of me exhausted. People talk about the spiritual battle and I don’t want anything to do with it anymore. I want to be set free from it. To be in a battle of the mind and the heart and the soul and the exterior world around me isn’t peace that surpasses understanding. That’s the peace of Jesus ruling in my heart. It’s confusion and it’s laboring in places within that I don’t even know how to examine or begin to fix.

Anyway back to this new job. I prayed about two weeks ago asking God for a new job – the one he wants for me and I woke up to a phone call from my mom who said my name came up in discussion with a past work associate. She said the man asked if I’d be interested in working in a real estate position with his company here in Austin. I said yes and then the conversations began with various people in that organization and ended up in an interview yesterday where 5 women offered me the job to work for the company.

I’m excited because I see these visions in my head of God rebuilding my life and giving me back everything I lost. I see me one day with a home again and a real bedroom and a nice car and maybe even a swimming pool in the backyard. I see my dog returning to me and a sense of stability returning to my life. Just to be grounded in a real home and not have to jump on a plane and go where a computer tells me to go while people treat me like dirt and the field managers aren’t chasing me around to check and see if my hair clip is the right shade (or punish me and write me up) sounds like a major shift. I’ve never experienced anything so hostile and horrific before working for that airline. It feels like modern day slavery and it matches the description that Ovie gave me last night over a video conference when he spoke about Socialism in Romania.

Everyone gets the same pay and the people are made into robots who aren’t allowed to speak about Jesus Christ or to step outside of the strict rules that govern their mouths and their actions. They rule over the people by instilling fear in them. I’ve seen late aged beautiful smart women in chains that they can’t put words to. Just on my last trip there was a gorgeous woman named Andrea telling me how she’d been feeling sick and exhausted and she’s miserable inside and knows it’s the job. She said she’s lost a desire for all the things she once loved and she can’t even find the motivation to work out anymore. Others have talked about how drastic things have changed since Covid and then there are the outsiders who rightly assess the big mega company by calling it the “woke airline”.

Is this socialism in America taking root in a way that everyone feels off but the transition is so subtle it slips through the cracks of discernment? My uncle last night talked about the hate and division and how worried he is about the country and his words matched Ovie’s who also said, “This is their plan. United we stand, divided we fall. This is exactly how they put socialism into Romania.”

I’m thinking about the spiritual battle as if it’s worlds away in another dimension but it seems to be the pressing pain that’s weighing in our lives each day in our jobs and society framework. But why would God want me to see this and have so much anxiety and anger in my heart over it all? What can I do about it? I’m just a woman trying to keep my own head above water.

I just received my offer letter via email as I’m writing this and I took a break from this entry to sign it. It says that my first day of work will be September 22nd. That’s just short of two weeks away.

I think about how when Jesus came the people thought he would change the world and fix all the wrong things here on earth. He would overtake kingdoms and there would be no more sick people and no more hungry people and no more wars. That wasn’t true though. He only fixed the inside of people who lost fear of this world. His apostles gladly died (they even chose it) and this idea just makes it harder even more to understand the purpose of being here it all.

I feel like I’m struggling to look at how to stay in my own lane and perhaps that’s the answer. Ovie’s dad didn’t free the entire country of Romania from slavery or change the country – he laid his life down to free his wife and children from Romania and to take them to a place of freedom and opportunity. My kids are here with me in Texas and I want for them to not struggle through this life – I want them to have opportunities I’ve never had. But I don’t know how to make that happen for them as they’re now adults.

I just completed the information for the background check and the pdf documents talk about my credit report rights. I pray that my credit report information comes back good. I hate the feeling of fear that comes in when I think about all of the stuff I’ve been through financially and still deal with. I know that there are items that I will need God to help me handle and I know that I’ve not had the money or mind power to figure out how to do that.

I just checked my bank account and noticed I was overdrawn on the checking side because a payment came out to the credit repair company I hired months back. My credit scores shows to be 598. That’s not very good. I hope and pray that God gets me through this with flying colors and I get good news for my upcoming start date.

Meanwhile I wonder if that’s the whole reason I started the credit repair process 6 months ago. I am trying. I do want to have the life I once had where I’m financially sound, my bills are paid, my kids are ok and my credit is in check and I don’t owe anyone anything. The Bible says God will cause me to be one who will lend and not borrow. God doesn’t want me to be a beggar or a person who walks through life scared to see her bank account. Why would God want that for any of us? And I’m trying. I get up each day praying and asking for miracles and I do walk in faith. I pray for the open door and I take it when I see it open.

I don’t want to live a life that gives up and says “Oh well, the only thing I have to look forward to is Heaven.” I want to live a life where I speak of the Glory of the Lord in the land of the living – where my kids tell people about their mother who never stopped praying and believing and fought the good fight of faith and was exalted by God in the season of sun after the storm.

I want my life to be a story of hope – for people to say, “If God could turn her situation around God can do anything.” I want my life to be a story of perserverance through prayer and a happy ending that screams the words of Jesus from the mountaintop “Life more abundantly.”

And right now as I feel my inner world heavy in breathing and hanging onto anticipation of a new chapter and a new beginning I feel the childlike voice inside of me saying, “God please let this be my turnaround point. Make today the day that the darkness is left in my past and never returns to me or my kids again.” Let this be the day where you lift me up and carry me to a life that is far beyond anything I could ever dream of or wish for. Let this be the day where my worry ends, my suffering stops and the hope of Glory makes a big presence in my life.”

I know we have seasons here. I’ve been in seasons where things were great in my life and I had hope and dreams and felt like everyday was blessed. I’ve also had seasons where I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed. I may not be able to fix this world and to change what I see as sad when I look around at all the injustice in this place. But God sees it. God can do it if he wants to. I need God to give me the victory so that I can be a living and walking testimony of Jesus and the way he authors a great chapter despite the enemy’s attacks against us.

My faith has been tested and shaken beyond words. I’m still here because God got me through it. I’m only here because God kept a small seed of faith and hope alive in me. And the part I’m scared to admit out loud is that I’m scared of that hope because I can’t take anymore let downs. I can’t take anymore detours. I can’t take anymore road blocks. I can’t take anymore new beginnings that turn into ashes underneath my feet. I need a breakthrough that GOD authors, brings in, protects and flourishes and I am too tired to will myself to cause anything to happen by my own design.

I have to believe this is God’s will today and I have to believe he’d not lead me to it and deliver it into my hands if it wasn’t the door that would lead to victory and I have to believe that my life is safe in God’s hands right now – that my kids are going to be joyful and have hope again and that these years of hanging on by prayer and prayer alone were planting seeds that have led to this harvest – that God will REWARD MY FAITH. Just my faith.

When he told me to go, I went. I didn’t see a logical reason or have any idea of how I’d ever survive but I walked in faith. When he told me to come here I don’t understand why he’d do that but I did it and I’m here. When he told me to keep praying, keep trying to forgive, trying to love even when my own heart was broken into pieces and to keep trying to do good even when my own life seemed empty, I was doing so hoping that God would look past my faults and just reward my faith.

If that book is a prophecy from Jesus then I know I’m in the right place because that woman I wrote about went to Austin as the final message from the Heavens led her to do. She drove through the storms and the rain to a desolate house of ash and it made no sense why God would send her to a place of her past that was empty and had no life left in it but while she walking through that house of nothing a light shined on her and gave her the stairway up to the new chapter. This is where I was led to. This is where I stand today looking for the light of God to touch me and show me the way up. This is where I get the new chapter in my life that was written and authored by GOD – the thing I didn’t manifest, didn’t see coming and did nothing to deserve.

I don’t believe God writes bad things into our lives. The Bible says God the Father of Lights only gives his children good gifts, he’s not the author of shifting shadows. God doesn’t write pain into my future – it’s just not who he is. And as I’m writing this and I think about the book of Skyla a very weary and tired little girl voice inside of me whispers, “We made it. This is where God rescues us from that horrible season.”

So, I’m trying my best today to celebrate what I can’t yet see with my eyes but I hope for. I hope this is where I walk into my deepest desires and dreams come true. I hope this is where I find my purpose in God’s book about me and that the love God has for me enters into my path, not by anything I do or try for but because God’s love chooses me and offers me a future that’s greater than any story I could ever write.

God’s plans are better than my plans. God’s doing something – I just have to believe this. God wouldn’t have me go through all of this for nothing. God wouldn’t have me record all of those prophecy videos for nothing. God wouldn’t allow me to remember the book of Skyla for nothing. God wouldn’t have me travel this world surviving only by little messages from Heaven for nothing. God wouldn’t have had me write a book in 2015 of a girl who ended up in Austin where God’s book of life more abundantly came in and to now find myself in Austin for nothing. God wouldn’t divinely send me here with those crazy clues; the Austin state capital picture, the Emmanual Austin passenger and the Austyn Austin trip trade guy for nothing. God wouldn’t make my phone ring with this job after a night of tears and prayer for his job he has for me to come to me for nothing. God is not the author of confusion – God is the God of answered prayers and all things made new.

This just came up….