Your Will…

God, I keep hearing his voice and seeing the things I’ve walked through since then. I see the battle I went into trying to make what he said not true. I did the same thing as a child. When my mother told me that my dad wanted nothing to do with me I went to war trying to be seen, heard, successful and everything a dad would want to know in a daughter. I wanted him to regret his choice in abandoning me. I wanted him to want to be my dad and so I chased after him in the only ways I knew how to. I couldn’t bare to let myself believe that I was unwanted. I had to make her words a lie so that I could feel like I was meant to be in this world. What kind of child isn’t even loved by her own father.

You started teaching me about the fatherless in 2017 and you were preparing me to show me my dad. Then years later you let me see a story in meditation where he hugged me and told me that everything happened as it was meant to happen. I’ve since made peace with my fathers in Heaven – knowing that all of them love me.

But it’s happened again – this time attacking the love story I’ve always wanted. He said that no man could ever love me because I’m not attractive anymore and have let myself go. He said that no one could ever love me because I have daddy issues and that I was a jesus freak. He said that the only man that would ever be in my life that point forward was Drako. Immediately I went to war with his words. I tried to make myself as beautiful as possible and ate perfect and worked out 24/7 and in response I got exactly what he said was the way he felt about me. He said the only thing good about me was my looks and the man I thought YOU sent to love me only saw my looks. In the background I spent thousands on healing services to try to heal my daddy wound. I’ve been through therapy, retreats, breathwork, physics, preachers, prophets – you name it I’ve desperately sought out anything and everything that gave me a promise to help me heal my heart from any childhood wounds.

God all the work I did to earn a chance to meet my dad was for nothing. He never noticed me, came for me or even had a desire to meet me. I wasn’t freed from it until he died but even then I carried the pain inside. I guess the true Father wound is in looking up to Heaven and wondering why you – a good God would allow me to suffer through so much and never make it right. Why did you never send a resolution for me? Why did you allow myself to go through my entire life feeling like I’m an abandoned kid? I wish to know why…. I know there are many who don’t have dads or have bad dads but I sought you for help and healing. I sought you for a breakthrough that would set me free and when you finally gave me that moment, a new wound was made and this one feels deeper.

I’ve tried to accept it and I’ve asked you to be the replacement. I’ve asked you to draw near to me, heal my heart, give me whatever answer or truth that’s needed to set me free. It doesn’t benefit me to know that I fought too hard for this guy, it just makes me feel worse and weak. It doesn’t benefit me to know why I’ve fought so hard because it just makes me feel like I have some devil curse that spoke a lie over me that I have to accept might be true. And how can you let that happen to me? How can you let this be true? God you know that was my dream. You know that I wrote in secret about it and that I believed in you. You know that I had so much faith in you and the seed you planted in me. How can you let your daughter down in such a way?

I know the pain in the past is impacting me in a huge way. I know that the unanswered prayers made by a little girl who sent letters to heaven constantly and never got her wish is making me doubt the situation I’m in now. And I don’t know how to combat it because I don’t know the truth anymore. I don’t know if you will answer my prayer. I don’t know if you will cause me to be single the rest of my life and to never know the love of a man again. I don’t know if you will ever redeem my heart and cause me to believe that I have a purpose you left me here on this earth.

With my dad situation, you did give me love again. You gave me kids and a family. I regret that I didn’t enjoy them more and I allowed the loss of my dad to cause me so much pain. Now here I am trying to let go of the hope for a husband and a partner in my life and there’s nothing new. You haven’t sent in new love this time. Drako and my kids are in my life but the kids treat me like I’m a bother and the dog is so beautiful and wonderful but the fact that he’s the only one that loves me and misses me when I’m gone just further reinstates what the enemy spoke over me.

So what do you say? I’ve heard from the accuser. I’ve heard the lips of the snake saying these things over me. I’ve seen it in my physical reality when I went to Barton Springs. I saw the two scenarios of the kid that had a dad who wasn’t watching him and allowed the snake to bite him. Then I saw the woman who was ugly and fat being used as a sex object in public by the guy. No respect. No love. No protection. Nothing to hold onto and depend on.

I’m angry at that voice. I hate the words I hate the thoughts I hate that it said such a horrible thing about me and my life and my future. But the truth is, you are the author. I can’t force someone to love me just like I couldn’t force a dad to want to be in my life. I can’t force a man’s heart to want to give me all that I wish to receive. I’m hurting so badly everyday and I don’t know where you are.

I don’t know why you don’t see me and why you aren’t answering me. I don’t know why you remain quiet when I beg you to show me what will be so that I can kill the cord of hope that won’t get off of me. I don’t want to be the dark girl that feels thrown away in this world and never gets the help from heaven that I’ve begged for.

Yes, I’m freaking out over here. Yes I’m desperate. I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I feel like my mind never stops trying to figure this out and my heart never stops begging you for answers and release. And I wonder will you leave me this way forever? Will you stay silent forever and refuse to speak life into me?

Why won’t you send your angels down to kick the mess out of the enemy for hurting me that way? Why won’t you send your pen over my life story and cause the script to be flipped and the enemy to eat his words that he spoke over me? Why would you let him have the last word? Why would remain silent as I’m begging you to intervene? Why God?

I know you don’t have to answer me. I know you don’t have to help me. I know you don’t have to give me a replacement and you don’t have to send me the love I desire in my life. But I wish you would. I wish you would give me grace and mercy. I wish you would give me relief and peace and bring a better day….