Let me know when you figure it out

I didn’t receive a dream last night. God didn’t tell me anything about his identity or my purpose or why I’m in this cycle for over 7 years now. I’ve begged and I’ve pleaded and I’ve sewn in tears until I have nothing left to cry and then do it all over again the next day. But God remains silent.

I tried to read the bible the other night and listened to Corinthians on the ride home from the airport. At the part when Paul spoke about how no woman should ever preach but instead should keep their mouth shut and ask their husband when they get home, I just started balling. Why? So then what I do I do? I have no voice? I also have no husband to ask so I’m to just whither away in my thoughts and become obsolete more and more each day? Who wrote this book and why do they seem to hate women so much?

Today when I had no answers and no guidance and no wisdom or understanding I listened to the latest message from the Scottish woman. She did a channeling and spoke of so many things that would indicate that she’s aligning with my person. Then she assured her audience that this man was in love and was working out the details and was going to come running in with an offer. “He knows you’re the one he wants to marry,” she said. I cried more tears. It all seems cruel at this point.

I then went for a walk in the woods with my son and played basketball at the courts for a bit as we together saw the 37 repeatedly as we were out together. He kept showing me and I’d banter back when I spotted another one. What does it mean? I don’t know the answer to that.

For me it represents a promise that I thought was from God. The purple stone with the purple bible and a notecard that said “Congratulations you’re finally going to have the husband you’ve always wanted.” The signs in the physical are everwhere that point to him – literal signs, such as the intersections that appear in a row – Stewart St, Dave Rd, Aria Blvd and M. Robinson’s Jewelers that’s situated directly across the way from my new home that I’d never even seen before moving into.

But it seems everyone has the message except him – David. Tonight he sent a picture of himself sun burnt and a few moments later said he needs me to come rub lotion on his sunburn with my stockings. I bypassed the remark and suggested he should buy some aloe to put on his skin and he went right back to “When are you in town so we can make that video?” I told him I wasn’t sure and he ended the conversation saying, “Let me know when you get it figured out.”

Well, here’s the thing…. I don’t want to get it figured out anymore. I’ve done enough of that. I’ve moved to be where he is TWICE, I’ve jumped on a hundred planes to go see him, I’ve worked out until my body began to scream for mercy, got plastic surgery, changed my career from a business owner to a bottom of the barrel flight attendant, I left behind my family, friends and everything I’ve ever known to take a leap of faith (or 12) and to believe that love would catch me.

I’m exhausted and in return for all of my hard work and sacrifices I am the woman who needs to go figure it out and let him know when I do so. Is this what a woman is meant to do? Figure out how to accomodate the desires of a man and run herself ragged trying to please him to get nothing in return? The man has never even says he loves me. He doesn’t like anything I say. He doesn’t approve of my beliefs or even aknoweldge that my experiences might be true. Anytime I step out of line with my speech he’s quick to let me know by blocking my phone calls and disappearing.

He EXPECTS me to figure it all out because I’ve shown him that’s what I do. I’m so crazy in love and obsessed I’ll just keep jumping through hoops for a chance to eat the bread crumbs off the floor that he leaves behind each time he walks away with no plans for a tomorrow with me in them.

I don’t understand why God would allow him to come in and ignite so much love in me – a healing type of love; just to take it all away. I’ve been trying to get a drink of that first love feeling for literally 7 years and I’m so thirsty I feel like I’m dying all over each day again.

So, I give up. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t even want to respond. He got his “manifested” wish. He found a woman who would ask for nothing, expect nothing and give him everything freely without him lifting a finger of effort. He found the fantasy and then he hit repeat on the experience until she physically, emotionally and mentally couldn’t do it anymore.

Jesus never taught us to pray for what we need or want. I’ve been doing it for years – actually my entire life. I was writing prayers in a window seal from age 5 begging God to send a dad back that never returned. I wrote a stupid fiction novel after a Nicholas Sparks movie 11 years ago and got it in my thoughts that maybe this guy was my happily ever after. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Steve Harvey talks about his dream he had since he was a kid to be on TV one day. Well my dream since I was a kid was to have a loving man in my life who would never leave, never choose something else or someone else over me and who would love me unconditionally throughout all of my days here. He says to keep the faith and to never lose hope and to practice gratitude and I’ve done all this daily like I’m in a boxing ring with myself and I keep thinking, if I could just have a little more faith then God would give me my promise. And I’ve thought if I could just pray better prayers, find the right words to speak or pass out enough prayer candles to strangers then God would see my deeds and decide to bless me with my heart’s desire. And then I thought if I could work on myself and my appearance and my emotions and get rid of all the wounds I’ve carried – doing that “shadow work” then God would send him. Maybe God is waiting on me to be pretty and stable. Iv’e thought if I’m quieter, more talkative, smile more, laugh more, be less needy, less emotional, less nervous — If I could have the perfect body, better skin, prettier teeth, nicer clothes or do a better job of pretending to be calm and collective and independant. I’m not sure where the list began and I would imagine it’s never even taken a break from its formation along the way. I’ve tried to change myself every which way possible like a chameleon and I don’t even remember who was before this all started. Who was I before I met him? I was a woman in the middle of a horrific divorce. My heart was shattered, my health was in dire shape and I was crushed in every way possible – confused and didn’t know where to turn to.

My ex-husband who’d I’d loved for 24 years said to me on his final night in our home, “No man will ever love you because the only good thing about you was your looks and now you’ve let yourself go. Plus, you have daddy issue and no man will ever love that kind of crazy.” And then the new guy showed up to pick me up off the ground and bring me back to life again. He healed me. He made believe I was beautiful again. He made me believe I was amazing and could do anything I wanted with the new chance at life I’d been given. And that included meeting him to have passionate weekends of sex in Las Vegas.

I don’t even care if I was used anymore. I don’t care if I was just a game or a chase or if his entire motive was to groom me into his little sex toy. I don’t care. I feel so small and I don’t know how to keep fighting this battle. I don’t know how to put my self esteem back together again. I don’t know how to look in the mirror and think she’s beautiful again. I don’t know how to love her and when I try to I’m just reminded that no one else has ever loved me and chosen to stay so who am I to argue with history?

What if it’s God’s will for me to live life alone? What if I’m not meant to ever be loved by a man on this side of glory? What if the promise I’ve been holding so tightly in my heart all of these years is just a manifestation of something I don’t have the power to create or decide upon? I’m not God. I don’t get to write my story. I don’t get to choose what happens here on earth and I certainly can’t make anyone love me. I’m so tired of trying to convince people that I’m valuable. I’m so tired of trying to beg people with my actions to stay. I’m tired of hoping. praying, wishing and waiting for a dream to come true that doesn’t seem to want to come find me here.

So tonight I pray “Your will not my will be done.” And I look at how I’m living in Austin with no friends and no dating life and not a single love interest on my radar and I just say, Father if you wanted it to be, it would be…. so I’m ok with it. I’m sorry for asking and bugging you for so long.

God thank you for my. home and my children here with me. Thank you my dog is safe and healthy. Thank you that I have a job to keep my bills paid and thank you for the contract you sent me from Jason to start next week doing social media. Thank you for the appointment with Sabrina next week. Please send angels to that encounter and be with her in mind, body and each move to do what is needed to make me like the woman in the mirror again and please make it affordable for me to be able to pay for it.

Thank you for the good times I had with Dave. I don’t want to figure anything out with this anymore. You are God not me. You make our stories, you shape our hearts and you are God of all. He is yours and I am yours and this just isn’t up to me so I let go of control and give it all to you.

Thank you that I am healthy and thank you my mom was so sweet today. Please heal her from anxiety and take her to the path of peace and joy.

In Jesus’ name..

Amen.