What God is doing is so much better than anything I could’ve planned. And it’s really odd to begin to see some of the little puzzle pieces coming together.

First of all, I’m seeing how when something really bad happens that shakes your world upside down, sometimes more bad things happen and it can feel like God has left us or we’re being punished. But looking back I’m starting to see that these things detach our minds from the big thing. For example, if you lose a loved one and you fall into deep despair it can become so heavy you don’t know how to heal from it or how to move on. But if then you wake up to learn that you are losing your house or you’ve lost a job or your basic survival necessities are at risk, you will be forced to go into action to focus on those things. And in the process, your brain stops looping in focus of the big thing. You get forced to get back to living again whether you’re ready or not and the mourning process gets cut off because you have other fish to fry.

I’m also seeing how God is even using the thing I was scared of; scriptures to show me something very powerful that I’ve thought about often but never received an answer for. When D came into my life I prayed. I mean I prayed like I’d never prayed before asking God to remove him, to change my heart to not want him and take the desire from me. I went bonkers in my prayer life begging God to protect me, guide me and get this guy out of there if this wasn’t his will for me. Now, I’m not saying that he’s my future because I’ve learned that the person God wants you with today can be taken and the entire dynamic can change in your tomorrow. But in reading a woman’s personal experience as she talks about how Satan comes to steal your love story, I’ve been a little scared to go through this workbook – afraid I’d find out that I’d been deceived. And the number one thing she talks about and uses the bible and bible stories to confirm is that prayer breaks the chains. When we pray for wisdom and vision to see, God will remove the veil from the enemy and when we pray for God to remove anyone in our life that is not in HIS WILL FOR US to be there, he does it.

Just a few days ago I was reminded of how I prayed for God’s will to be done with Dave and Stefani in the same prayer. I said if they are not meant to be in my life and I’m not meant to walk with then according to your will remove them please now. And before the sun went down that night Stefani had a nervous breakdown, scammed me out of $700 she owed me and was gone with the wind and never heard from again. God not only exposed her character, her weakness and her ill intentions but he also exposed that she was quite the liar. A multi-millionaire can’t pay a worker her wages of $700? In that discussion she spit victimhood at me telling me that she was in a financial battle with her ex and wasn’t sure she’d be able to stay afloat. Months of lies she had sold me and others about her financial power was exposed by one simple prayer. But D was not removed. In fact, everytime he talks about coming to visit me the fear creeps in as I think about what we do together outside of a wedding covenant. I’ve questioned “human weddings” as part of this at times and even believed the Holy Spirit was showing me that there’s a type of consumnation that is by God not by Humans and our oaths aren’t something God bows down to. But I worry about my own thoughts and wonder if I’ve just been trying to give myself grace and make excuses for myself. Nonetheless, every prayer ends up with Dave having the green light to come.

There have been times God has blocked it and I knew it. On one occassion Dave lost his cool kind of like the Stefani lady and then stopped mid-sentence and got very quiet. Then he said, “Why am I talking to you this way? I’m sorry, I need to let you go. I’ll call you later.” It’s as if God himself had twisted his tongue and convicted his heart before he could even finish a sentence.

Tonight he called and we had a friendly conversation. It was nice. No drama. No pressure. Nothing but simple talk and in the midst of it he made jokes about his job situation that brought to surface some things I don’t know. He isn’t doing high and mighty great the way I perceive at times. He’s just working as hard as he can in 3 jobs to live paycheck to paycheck. And he’s all alone so that’s a pretty heavy thing I’d imagine. I have to respect a man who doesn’t ask for handouts or help and he works hard to try to keep himself afloat. That adds a little depth to the thing he said last night, “I have to live for me,” and it made me feel a little convicted in how I have made him feel bad at times for not giving me enough attention or calling me as much as I’d like. I understand he has to stay focused and let himself be “de-railed” as he called it by the arguing and pressure I sometimes put on him.

I remember however when I was young and I went into a season of deep prayer. I was praying for abundance, wealth and the dream job situation. I got an answer almost immediately to that prayer. It was a pregnancy test result that lit up positive. God gives us what we need, not what we want and he knew that I needed to learn what it means to seek the Kingdom first. I believe for me that was learning that I’m not the point – but to love others as ourselves is. I learned what unconditional, sacrificial love looks like as a mother. It makes me wonder if sometimes the women who want so badly to become mothers are seeking to care for something but they don’t need that lesson – they already know how to love others. I met a woman today with my birthday who is 40 and told me that she hopes to be married someday and have children. But in the room, she was treating me like I was her child – even had a little device on my face to keep me calm while the doctor put a needle in my face. She’s also a part-time OR nurse. She’s already a servant to others. It’s no wonder she wants to be a mother but right now I can see that God has her positioned to be a light in the medical field.

As for me, I’m serving in the way that I’m trying to help my son get his feet on the ground here in Austin. God knows I’d never be able to live a focused life on anything so long as that boy is suffering or not doing good and I’m so blessed that HIS puzzle pieces are opening a door for hope and a future for my son and I’m humbled that he’s positioning me to be a helper in this mission.

I prayed for God’s will when deciding if I should move to Austin. I was immediately shown that the answer was yes. It was hard to leave something I loved and hoped for behind; Dave. But in God’s timing I believe he will give me a man to love again one day. If he had given it to me in California I’d have not been available and ready to come here for this mission. I don’t know how good I’ll do and I don’t even feel qualified on most days. But I’m here. I’m praying. I’m asking God to move through me and for me and all around me to save and uplift a life. I can see his hand in it all and I do feel its a beautiful thing that I get to witness and be part of another chapter to God’s beautiful story.