Listen to Them

Everyone I meet has something to give to me. I often learn the ones I feel the most repelled by have the greatest lessons or words to share of them all. And it’s interesting that it’s the quiet, reserved ones who have learned best to only speak when they have something significant to share.

On this trip to Milwaukee, I found healing between my sister and I. I didn’t see her but I felt compelled to text her about her botox and lip treatments. It’s something she loves and something we have in common. We’ve spent years in separation discussing what we don’t see eye to eye on. And one little text asking her about her treatments tore down years of thick walls. I could learn something from this 12 about the other 12 in my life.

In my crew I don’t really remember the first girl. There are those that blend in the crowd and aren’t meant to leave a mark. The second one showed me the differentials between Mary and Martha. I don’t want to be the busy-bee Martha that’s always trying to take charge, work too much, talk to much and just do to much. But this Martha gave me a gift today she will never know about. When her craziness in behavior sending anxiety through my every cell in my body reached it’s peak I bent down in the galley and bumped into a cart she had horribly set up with a glass of red wine sitting on top of it. The red wine spilled and the entire glass cascaded over my left shoulder. I knew it was significant the moment it happened as a wave of chills washed over my back. I was baptized today – not by water or a priest or even by my asking or desire. But as the wine settled in, I saw the blood. Jesus knew I needed this moment for many reasons. For starters, he reminded me that he keeps bleeding love – not just when we’re doing good things or feel like we’re walking in righteousness but even more powerfully does he pour out his love upon us in the moments when we don’t feel deserving. It’s when we’ve listened to the masses and taken in the poison of the wolves in sheep clothing who so effortlessly speak the word “sin” over bleeding ears that Jesus works to get our attention in the loudest of ways. You can out-sin people. In fact humans are notorious for keeping records of our wrongs. It’s our human nature – we look for the bad in others unknowingly in the art of trying to feel better ourselves. We like to compare and the best way to feel good about yourself is to find fault in another and throw up a mental scoreboard. “I’m doing all of these things that God wants me to do. I have learned to hear his voice and obey. I have learned to live a Godly life with a perfect wife and perfect kids and a white-washed wedding vow. But Jesus doesn’t care about any of it. He purchased us without handing over a to-do list that must be completed in order to receive of the gift of his love. He loves the saints and the sinners. And the only one he gave out an invite to while he was bleeding out his love on the cross was the criminal bleeding out next to him.

To know how imperfect I am is to keep seeking a savior and today I got washed by the blood with a new pouring out of his wine in the flesh by the anxiety-stricken moment of dealing with a Martha. He also showed me with this illustration that I’m not near as Martha as I thought I was. In fact, this seemed almost like a gift to say, “I’m proud of you. Here’s your new wine.” The thing only he and I know is that I have been fighting a battle to surrender things to God’s will for a very long time. Most notably; my heart. I’m not surrendering my heart in a way that say, “I’m sorry God that I didn’t love you above all things and I’ll go do better now and have a cross tattood on my ring finger to symbolize my devotion to you. My heart is deeply in love with a man that I thought was God sent into my life. But after much trying, confusion and doors slammed in my face with much effort, I decided to quit trying. It didn’t make the pain go away. It didn’t release me from thoughts of him or stop the waterfall of tears that flows like rain every single day. But it did make a statement of what I speak and often don’t perform with my actions; that I believe Jesus is the author. He knows my wish is to see this man return to my life changed and full of truth, honesty, devotion, passion and unconditional love with a proposal for a future with me. But he also knows that I’m not able to change this man and he’s been placing it on my heart for some time now to give this to him.

The next lady named Kay who is 82 years old is #5. This means she’s at the very top of seniority and somehow managed to fly for 61 years. She’s not what I hope to be. But if she’s 82 and able to keep her health, schedule and mental capacity in check than I should be able to do that too. Do I want this to be my forever job? God knows I don’t. But like many things in the past that were given to me that I didn’t want, didn’t think was an answer for me and didn’t pray for or even see myself doing in this life, God has reason he’s closed all other doors and keeps me in this position right now. I need to lean on Kay’s example and know that I can get through this. Also, both Kay and the next girl that entered my galley had something in common. Both of them just paid for AC units. This is a pattern for sure as an AC replacement nearly sent me into pyscosis at the condo where my roomate left it unresolved in the record breaking heat of the valley. And then my mother had to drain her savings a month later to replace two of them. Then just 2 weeks ago the transportation guy said he had to drop over $80k on replacing AC units at both of his properties. Maybe being homeless isn’t such a bad thing. Well, I’m. not technically homeless anymore. However, I don’t have the weight of huge expenses that come with home ownership. And that’s a good piece of luggage that I unpacked from my backpack long ago. I’m kept in nice hotel rooms and I’m cared for by this job in the sky. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t hick-ups but I’ve never slept on the street a single night; nor have I faced another inferno since I left the valley of Southern California. Yes, I have something to be grateful for tonight. I have escaped the hell of the desert. In fact, as I type this I’m laying in a cozy cold bed with a heating blanket on top of me.

Maybe what I don’t have are the biggest blessings of all that I just can’t see in the realm of wanting.

Then there was Dianne and her son who’s in the nuero-science brain center tonight after a seizure caused him to have a car accident and the doctors discovered a huge tumor in his brain. The boy was a quarterback born in Halloween. All of her sons and husbands and herself included have October birthdays. She was a mess of despair worrying about her child in a hospital room while she was thousands of miles away. I prayed with her and I shared my story and I gave her then entire bag of prayer candles I’d packed for the trip. They definately went to the person God had in mind. But she gave me a big gift when we were leaving to get onto the bus together. She told me about her husband who’s birthday is April 17th. They’ve been married 23 years. A Libra and an Aries. She’s October 2nd. And as she dropped these fun facts on me, telling me “everywhere I go I see 417” a shuttle bus pulled up with 417 etched in the bottom serial numbers of the van. Then I looked up and saw that the bus number was 37. My promise.

Tonight I’m grateful that my son is here safe in this house and he’s not facing brain surgeries. I wondered if it was a blessing that he didn’t go on to play college football. Her boy was a quarterback at UT. And I’m also thinking about the true picture of my 37 promise – not a half full glass. I saw my son there – healthy, in love and with more joy than I’ve ever seen him carry in his lifetime thus far. And he wasn’t the only one who was full of love and joy. I was in love – very happy and living in the dream I’ve always wanted.

Well, I may not be there yet but I’m on my way. I’m trusting God to write the story and remembering that Jesus is bleeding love over my situation with power tonight. I’m also seeing everywhere I look that the angels are working hard to keep my hope alive. They’re giving me these signs to help me keep my eyes on the prize and not let doubt take me over.

My beautiful children are here with me tonight. My love is somewhere out there spending time with God’s refinement and in time, God’s time will be perfect. Speaking of time. It’s 4:17 a.m. I better get some sleep.