The Son and the Mother

I didn’t get much sleep last night and woke up early to do a zoom call with Arlene. We talked about selling the candles at her retreat in Scotland and also on her channel. I feel like this is a gift in many ways as I’ve not felt the go-ahead to receive an energy exchange for money even though I’ve invested thousands in the candles over the last 6 years. She cried when I prayed for her and I felt very good doing it. I love praying for people – it feels like it’s part of my divine calling and has been for many years.

The night before last I had a dream. I was with Dr Huffman and he wanted me to go down a mountain with him to the water area below but as we started to drive off the side of the cliff area a huge wave came and stopped us from going down there. We drove to another area that was higher and an even larger wave came. I told him I’m sorry but I can’t go down there with him. I was looking for higher ground and he wanted me to go lower with him. When I woke up I heard the song “Sherri”… Here are the lyrics I found:

You should’ve been gone
Knowing how I made you feel
And I should’ve been gone
After all your words of steel

[Pre-Chorus]
Oh, I must have been a dreamer
(Must have been a dreamer, oh-oh)
And I must’ve been someone else
(Someone else)
And we should’ve been over
(Over by now)

[Chorus]
Oh, Sherrie, (Our love) our love holds on, holds on
Oh, Sherrie, (Our love) our love holds on, holds on

It seems this was tied to me and Dave somehow because I then got a text message from him showing that his carplay screen and pulled a picture of me at 5:56 a.m. He sent it with a laughing emoji and said his car has a mind of its own. Later we talked about the significance of a peach and he said it’s a slang term for a butt. That’s what was on the image he sent me – my butt.

If the story of David and Sheri is significant to my journey right now as I think about this dream it would seem that Dave is asking me to go down to a level where I don’t want to go. I am trying to get to higher ground where I feel safe from the waters and this goes in line with the waves of tears that I cry in accepting his form of love. It’s surface. It feels very low vibrational formulated in sex and physical attraction and my idea of the perfect partner is more soul-level deep and intimate heart felt love.

Maybe the dream was telling me that this is what will soon be – I will simply not be able to travel with him down levels and I will tell him I’m sorry but I just can’t go with him on that path.

In other news I had a horrible argument with my son yesterday when the subject of his dad came up. After a rematch in the kitchen this afternoon I’m beginning to see where our talk and his pain matches how I felt about my dad (all of them really). It seemed my mother was very apathetic about my feelings and emotions – even demanding that I bottle them up and don’t talk to her about any of it. I get to see her pain now as I’m feeling very trapped by the notion that my ex-husband is a victim that should put heavy burdens on my kids that are passed along to me. I feel like my son wants me to step in and do something because his father is out of money and in need. I know God is asking me to forgive him and honor him as their father – something my mother never did. Both of my parents made me choose a side and never considered what that did to me. I don’t want to repeat the cycle with my kids now but I don’t know what the answer is.

I’ve told God if he blesses me and wants me to buy their father a house or do anything on God’s behalf I will do it. But I also know I can’t give what I don’t have. And I’m not sure what God wants me to do with the situation if anything at all. I sent him groceries (a lot) for Father’s day. I didn’t feel great about it like it was a Heaven sent assignment. But I answered the tug to do it and that was that. If God nudges me again I hope to hear that voice.

I also see a streak of jealousy or anger in my daughter towards him and I wonder if it’s because I pay him too much attention. I need to be mindful of both of them and try to love them the best I can through all of their trials because I don’t want either of them to feel anything that triggers a shattering of what God has gifted me in this season. I seek healing, peace and love. I seek peace and a knitting back together again.

I want to help him find a job. I think he wants that too. I pray God guides me and shows me each step to take and I also feel that I’m being asked to take one step at a time. This path is so hard and there’s no instruction manual. I try to draw wisdom from the Bible and keep seeing the Bee attitudes. But beyond that I battle with my own lack of love or feeling wanted and I need to recognize that this isn’t fair to put my issues on my kids – another thing my mother did to me.

Well I have to figure out tomorrow how to bid for vacation to Scotland trip and I’m putting in my bid now for Austin base. I guess I have to go with where I live and surrender the outcome to God. I do know that I don’t want to live in LA Hotels for the next 7 months while I’m repeating the same cycle with Dave and I feel like the dream was trying to tell me something about that. I have to desire to go up – to reach higher love. I have to be honest about that. If he wants to go with me he can choose to and make plans for this to be a real relationship. Also, I saw St. Joseph on the moving truck outside with a 555 license plate. I feel like there’s a voice reminding me over and over of what I prayed for – a man who will get into the thick of this with me. A man who will want to be involved in my kids’ lives and who won’t pull me away from them. It’s the wound I endured when my mom left to be with Jim and I don’t say this to blame her but to be mindful of what I’d like to do differently. I want my kids to be welcome whereever I am and I want a man to love them as he loves me because they are part of me.

I have to remind myself of the vision I received 2 years ago. I wasn’t allowed to see who the man was. I only got to see that he made me very happy and that my son and his wife and baby were there with us. It was a beautiful dream come true and the answer to my prayers that I began sending to heaven more than a decade ago.

Maybe Dave’s lack of commitment was a blessing in disguise because to gain a man and lose my relationship with my children would be a tragedy upon my heart. I saw it with my Aunt Lee. When her husband passed she lived in regret in her final days as she contemplated what she could have done differently as a mother. To gain the world and lose so much of a part of our hearts and souls – it’s horrible for a mother. Likewise, I saw my own mother go through it and she’s cried telling me that she doesn’t feel like her kids love her. I know my Granny too was in her last days worried about her daughter that lives on the streets. I believe Sissy felt rejected by her dad in some way and ran from that feeling. It might be a different dynamic but the underlying is the same. The woman in these generations worshipped their husbands and allowed that to cause separation with their children.

It’s hard. This is so hard. But the fantasy of him I feel is changing. He might be a “twin flame” but he’s not here making an effort to engage himself in my life. That’s not love – not higher love anyway. I want more. I asked God for more. I don’t want to accept anything less than love that loves with everything he is and will be spiritual leader for my kids by demonstration of how he loves me and them as part of me.

Well, I have to be up at 4 for standby but I’m going to pull a card.

I asked about the connection with Dave …and received the pink opal 8 of cups. This card says it’s time to walk away and return to myself. It says to draw strength in doing the right thing and that my path will open for me as I take this step.

I asked if I’m to sell the candles... I got 5 of cups. This talks about things not working out the way I had hoped. I used these candles to pray for my relationships. I prayed for my mom to be healed and she was but she didn’t love me or want me any differently. I prayed for Dave and he’s still around but he doesn’t love me any differently. I prayed for my son and I do believe those were the good ones – they didn’t ask for anything that would heal me necessarily. I just wanted what was good for him because that’s the beauty of motherly love. It’s different than the kind of love we feel for those who reject us. Perhaps the candles need to take a break and I need to stop praying for things that might not be God’s will.

When I asked for a message about what I’m supposed to… I got Ace of Cups. I open my heart, I trust the flow and I embrace the spark that comes next as the right doorway to the blessings God has been preparing me to receive.

Thank you Lord and the angels for being with me tonight.

Ok… time to sleep.

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Independance Day

I have so much to get off my heart and the odd thing about that is that I’ve been writing literally all day. I worked a trip to Las Vegas and both flights there and back were empty. With nothing but time on my hands I wrote in my journal about this crazy journey. I wrote about the helplessness that I feel and the difficulty in surrender. I wrote about all of the prayers I’ve sent to Heaven through the “Sandbox of Surrender” and the prayer candles I’ve been making for 6 years now. I cried. I prayed. I begged and I pleaded with God to show me a miracle and tell me why I’m in Austin – why would he answer my pleading heart back in May with confirmation that he wanted me to move here only to give me a one month swap then send me back to LA in August where I’ll have to find a way to pay my rent here and buy hotel rooms in the most expensive short-stay rates in America.

We were about an hour from landing when I got the text message from my son. “I tried to call you.” That’s all he said. I told him I was in flight and on my way back to Austin. Then I told him I have the next 3 days off and asked if he was driving in. No Response. When I got to my car I called him and he told me they were waiting to watch the speech from Trump in celebration of the 250 year anniversary of America. Ironically, it was just yesterday I was given two 2-dollar bills from the shuttle driver leaving Seattle. I have 11 of them now in total. For some reason that seems significant. The eleven-eleven that equals 22. My license plate on my blue jeep said “program 22” – in an abbreviated fashion and I saw 3 jeeps yesterday that looked very much like my bright blue Barbie-looking fun mobile. When I bought that jeep I remember thinking my entire life was about to change. I thought my days of sadness and sorrow were about to be a product of my rear view mirror and I had smooth sailing up ahead with love and freedom and justice. I also though the 22 had something to do with Twin Flames – a term I’d recently heard of and read about. Well, I don’t have the jeep anymore. I drive a small gray car that is quite unfitting for me I think. But it’s the only car I could get approved for back when I was in LA unsure of how I’d get myself to work and back in the new city. My son was there to help me pick it up and he even did the honors of placing the big coin in the vending machine. I always felt maybe it would be his car one day and God would grant me another SUV that I’d drive with my hair blowing in the wind and my dog Drako in the passenger seat.

My son coming to California was an answered prayer – literally. My daughter and I picked up sand from the beach in Boca Raton and we joined hands and prayed together over her brother. That next morning at 2 am I got a call that he was in his car driving to California from Texas in a little Hyndai that wasn’t suited for driving safely to the gas station, let alone 25 hours away. He made it and I knew he made it by the hands of the Angels and the protection of God.

I didn’t have a place of my own or anywhere for him to stay. My roomate offered her exercise room and a blow up mattress to him but only after he spent a couple of weeks with a man in Dana Point who secretly had a crush on me. It was a hard time for me. He was difficult to talk to and very angry. He blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in his life and for his health and his shattered dreams. I didn’t know what to do or what to say to make it better and everything I did try just seemed to make it worse. Fast forward to a pretty rocky stay with my roomate who is one of the most judgemental I’ve ever met, he ended up going back home. He flew back in for a few days in August but only to pick up his car and drive it back to Texas.

I didn’t know why God had sent him. I knew somewhere in my heart it was because we had prayed and because he was saving his life. I found out later that his dad had wrestled a gun from his hands and he thought that suicide might have been the outcome of that quarrel. But why would he sent him when I had no place for him to stay and no way to help him heal and get back on his feet. I then wondered if it wasn’t all about my son’s outcome, but maybe God was sending him to plant a seed in me to come back home. I don’t know where home is. None of us do anymore. I spent the next many months praying for a home – a safe space where my kids would always be welcomed and loved.

I have that here in Austin. It doesn’t feel complete. In fact it feels pretty lonely and I felt the excitement leave after my daughter and I spent the first few weeks draining our bank accounts on furniture and decorating the place. It’s like we were preparing for something that didn’t arrive. My son never came to see the place and refused to help us move in or even drive with me back after I laid over at my mom’s in Houston. He kept saying to me, “If I leave, he’s going to get rid of my stuff and change the locks. I won’t have a home to come back to” – referring to his father. It didn’t sound like a bad thing to me. I wish he would separate from the man who’s mentally and emotionally beat him down for the last 7 years in solitude. I wish that season would come to an abrupt end and my son could have a new beginning with hope and a future. That’s been my prayer for so many years, “Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans for you says the Lord, not to harm you but to prosper you and give you hope and a future.”

A few days ago I told my son what the Bible says about being lonely in your own home. Psalms 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families,[a] he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.” When I started reading it he got mad at me and said I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to hear about God. I don’t want anything to do with God.

I would imagine that like me, this boy has prayed for a very long time that God would heal his dad, heal him and change his circumstances. I would imagine he’s mad at God and has lost faith in seeing nothing change. I know how he feels. I’ve had a hard time too believing that God is still listening to me and that God loves me and is working in my favor.

But tonight, as I was writing in my journal on the plane I thought about what God has shown me in the past and how the miracles that I did see in my life were tied to visions. It’s as if God had given me promises in these visions long before they would arrive. He was showing me what would happen. This was the case in the hospital when I got a vision that their father would live and walk again. I saw him hug our son and in the vision my son was much taller than in real life at that time. Much later after our family was separated in the divorce I realized that God was showing me he was going to answer the prayers to let their Dad live but I wouldn’t be in the picture when it happened. Perhaps he was showing me that they were to have a season together. And maybe somewhere beneath the surface that was a loving season between the two of them. I only know what I’m told and the bouts of arguing that I witness when my son calls me. I really can’t say for sure what their day-to-day relationship is like. Maybe those two men love eachother very much. I believe they do.

But sometimes love isn’t enough and can even become the worst of prison walls. I know because I’ve been there. I loved so much I almost lost my own life and that love stopped pouring anything back into me but hate and judgement. Nothing was good enough and I didn’t seem to matter.

I hope he stays. I hope that boy leaves Houston tomorrow morning and never looks back again. I hope he loves his room and I hope his sister cuts his hair and we get some new clothes for him and we help him find a job he will love. And then I hope he meets a beautiful girl who will love him unconditionally the way I love him and the way God loves him. I hope his father finds love too and they both have a new season free from the one they’ve been stuck inside of since they left.

Well back to visions. When I was Florida I had a very bad night (one of many) where I was laying in a puddle of my own tears crying out to God about my son. I was yelling and shaking in frustration asking God why he’s not doing anything. I asked God why he’s not fixing that situation and why he’s letting my son slip away piece by piece all these years. A wave of peace came over me as I saw it – the vision. I was in a beautiful backyard with dark green shrubs and trees. My husband was working the grill and we were laughing and flirting like little school kids. Then I saw my son grown up and so handsome. He had a beautiful young woman with him and a baby.

I just broke into tears as I wrote that vision because it’s like I can still see it. Maybe I can’t make out the faces or the details but I feel the energy of it inside of me. It’s happy and it’s loving and it’s so beautiful. There’s so much joy in that place and so much life and laughter. That was over a year ago – maybe longer.

I feel like the seed of faith from that vision is fighting to keep my hope alive towards something I can’t see and have no idea how I’ll ever get to see it. I don’t know the way to that place. I don’t even who the people are or where we were. Back at that time I felt like it was in California. But that’s where the man I love lives. So I could’ve just been wishful thinking. If God wanted me to know who the man is in that vision he’d have shown it to me.

It’s a strange thing to see a future moment and feel so much joy and happiness without any physical proof that it could ever be real. I don’t even have friends much less a boyfriend aiming to take that spot. The guy I was madly in love with never showed any interest in meeting my kids and he isn’t even talking to me because he doesn’t want to have conversations about our sex life in subject of whether he’s sleeping with other people. I have to assume that means he is. But I don’t know that either. I just know he’s not knocking on my door tonight fighting to keep me. He hasn’t even texted me in 8 days. That may not seem like much but when a woman’s heart is hurting and she’s left in her confusion to try to figure a thing out on her own the days pass like years to no end.

I pray tonight that God gives me the Holy Spirit to discern all things that are taking place in my life and to know that even though I don’t know what He’s doing – his plans are for my good.

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I’m Going to Get the Promise

I took Drako home today. The drive was longer than I expected with many delays and I ended up having to cancel and postpone my dental appointment to next week. I listened to Charlse Stanley on the way there and it seemed to keep Drako calm. But I broke into tears as soon as I arrived. Then on the way back, which was tough because I turned around and completed the round trip without rest, I listened to Arlene. Her first message seemed to connect with me. She talked about a man who’s ego was inflated and caused the woman to walk away. She said he was suffering the loss and needed to.

I listened to two more messages and became more confused and more hurt. In the bath tub I tried to hear God and I asked out loud, “Why did you send him into my life? Please tell me why you put us together?” Arlene spoke of the men and women coming together for a purpose and the woman having the ultimate choice after he returns if she wants to walk in that purpose alone or entertain a partnership. I asked her to do a reading for me and she sent an email in response requesting my birthday. She says I’ll understand more later.

I feel like this is my purpose. I try everything to distract myself and I spent the latter part of yesterday making a website to sell custom clothing with my angels flame concept. I placed the woman walking away as the top image and none of it makes any sense. I wrote poetry and made it the scan-design for the combat boots and sports wear. It actually looks kind of good. But what is the purpose of any of it?

I keep telling myself if I speak life and speak hope that I can turn my head around. I can somehow encourage my own soul to keep going and to believe in the miracle that I seek. But I don’t truly feel this inside at the moment. I feel like I’m forcing myself to keep hoping and it’s torture because if he’s the dream, we couldn’t be any further away from the moment of change.

Do I even want a man like this? He leaves me in silence after casting blame upon my heart and I suffer so badly and I question if I am the cause. I get angry with myself for not being able to handle all of the triggers and I wonder if something is wrong with me for wanting the truth from him. Am I wrong to need to hear the words, “I love you?” Am I silly naive girl to wish for something that has nothing but show repeatedly that’s impossible? I’m so tired of fighting against something God clearly hasn’t chosen for me. Because if this is the promise that I’m to receive then it’s not a promise at all. This is suffering. This is waiting on something that’s not waiting for me. This is wishing that a leaperd would turn into a tiger.

But where is the release? Why won’t my mind and my heart see the truth and let go? Why do I need this man to fix what he broke in me and why can’t I wake up and feel the new beginning that my words speak over me now?

I feel like Drako was trying to show me something. I wonder if I’m to listen to that man. I wonder if I’m to get back into the bible but does God know that I feel shame and condemnation when I try to do that? I’m scared the Lord is mad at me and I can’t remember the last time I’ve truly heard his voice or seen a sign from him. Well, the day I prayed and asked if I’m to leave LA I did reeive these signs confirming that Austin was the path for me to take. But now that I’m here, I just feel so empty. I keep praying for that feeling subside. I want to have hope again to a brighter day incoming. I want to dream again and I want to think back to the promise (my 37) and truly believe that God removed that man from my life because he’s about to bring in the one who can fullfill everything my heart, mind, body and soul truly needs and wants.

I got a taste of love renewed and it was amazing. I glowed like a newborn baby for months when we first met. Why would God want me to experience that just to take it away and send me on a 7 year walk-about with my hopes dangling by a thread held together by empty meetings where we had sex and he left with no further affection or signs of a desire to make me his choice?

There is so much unsaid between us and I feel like the toxins of my lies are flowing through my physical body. I pretended for so long to be OK with the breadcrumbs he fed to me. I held on because the little bit he gave was all I had to hold onto. I was terrified of losing something that for a moment seemed so divine – so perfect and so beautiful.

I try to be grateful for him and it only makes me sad. I thank the Lord for his presence and the way he came in at the perfect time as if he was Heaven sent to save me and bring me back to life. His love did exactly that for a season. I think of how Jewel served that purpose during those few short months before she went to Heaven. I think about Drako came in from Austin shortly after and I wonder if God was showing me a pattern that would take place again in this season. Will I find my new Drako here in Austin?

I bought another vape when I got back to Bee Cave and it gave me a horrible headache. I want to stop that habit and all the bad addictions I picked up like self-destruction in the aftermath of not being able to hold onto love. I want to stop blaming myself and replaying the words he spoke to me in the spirit of blame. I want to accept that if he was for me he’d never do that. Jesus never blamed the woman. He died for her and called her blameless on the cross. That’s what I prayed for 10 years ago – a man who would love me the way the Lord loves me and put all of my faults and flaws in a category of “washed and perfect” as they’re no comparison to the love he has for my very existence.

In this modern world it looks like such a thing doesn’t exist anymore. I wonder why I’ve not found it. I wonder what I’m doing wrong and my head spins there for hours upon hours, day after day until I can hardly think straight anymore. I used to know that God was for me. I used to know it in my bones and believe it completely when I lost something I didn’t want to lose. I knew there was always going to be a replacement. It’s just His character. With every father that left another mentor would come after. With every shift of a season that left me in tears I’d soon find myself climbing a ladder to better days.

How long am I supposed to hurt before that knowing returns to me now? With Jewel I knew the end was final. She was gone to another world. With D, I can’t seem to get past the looming lack of closure. There was no goodbye. Just a “I need to disappear for awhile.” And his reason was me. He doesn’t like the way I talk to him. Which is a result of me asking if he’s seeing other woman and then getting angry and frustrated when he refused to answer. He said that I ruin everything and he says that I should change my ways because he’s told me a million times that he doesn’t like answering that question. So essentially, I’m unhappy feeling insecure about our relationship and he’s unhappy feeing pressure to give me a commitment of any sorts so he chose himself over me. He chose his comfort over mine and decided he’d rather lose me all together than compromise.

I know that’s not love. I know it’s not the kind of joy that I had prayed the Heavenly Father would bring into my life. I don’t feel settled asking Arlene for a love reading but I also feel I was led to her by my guardian angels. Through many signs there was a confirmation that hit me when she said she’s in Scotland. That word “Scott” is a repetitive theme for years now. Today I was reminded of the man in the airport who prayed I’d get a seat out of Houston. I gave him a prayer candle and he said I had been sent by God as a sign of confirmation to pursue his dream to open a bee farm in Africa to provide healing medicines to people. He called a few weeks later and sent me a video message about a man named “William Wallace” from the Braveheart movie who said, “If you keep smiling like that

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