Peace

I did really good today. I got through my morning prayer session with the beautiful ladies from Scotland. Then I gave Drako a bath and then I made guitar lamps while listening to the “let them theory” audio book on my phone. I felt at peace for a bit and I did things that helped me to feel it – even if it was in parts. I go to Houston tomorrow and I’m excited to go back to work. I found it interesting that Mel spoke about an airport as her key example of where you can go to learn to “let them” with all the stress and constant issues people endure. I wonder if God was sending me into this season to teach me to let go and accept the detours and learn to be more of a passenger in life.

A big thing that happened today was my son woke up and went and got his oil change on his own. I’m proud of him. It’s a big thing for him to set out to handle his business and take responsibilty. Also today my daughter went to the urgent care on her own (after calling me to wake me up at 7am). My kids are growing up. And although they both spent over $100 today and complained about the mishaps, they are ok. They have food to eat and a roof over their heads and they are learning from their experiences in doing things without mom holding their hand or trying to control their experiences.

In other news, I didn’t respond to D and I did cry a bit but not as bad as normal. I’m being overwhelmed with this one lesson it seems from all angles at once. I have to let people live their lives and make mistakes and take their own paths and make their own choices – even if that means that those choices don’t have space for me. It hurts. I have to learn to not take it personal though. I have to somehow get over it and know that it’s not because I did something wrong or I’m not good enough. His choices aren’t a reflection of who I am and God didn’t make a mistake in how he designed me just because a man doesn’t treat me right or want me.

I do wish I didn’t know about the book. I hope I can one day understand why God would want me to see it and remember it and have these expectations in me that love would be my result here. I gave up my entire self and walked stupidly into a pit thinking I knew it would work out for me.

I asked God for confirmations to be sent to me. I haven’t received any yet. I hate it because my mind goes running wild and I really wish I had the wisdom from God to put it at ease. I also asked for guidance on what to do wth my career. Giving my life to Jesus is scary. i feel like I have no control and I want to take my power back like Mel speaks of but I don’t want anything to be my idea. I want to walk in miracles not self power.

If I could rename her book for what I’d write it wouldn’t be “let them” to “let me”… It would be “let them” to “let God.” I guess the difference for me is I’ve seen the end of my power and I don’t want to lean on my own when I witnessed something much powerful.

The Bible says, “When the time is right, I the Lord will do it.” And I would really love to report how God fixed my relationships, brought unconditional love into my life and gave me the career that I could only dream about. If I’m being honest, I would want to write a book like hers – a New York Times Best Seller. But I’d want to give a new theory – one that doesn’t put all the weight of it all into the hands of the individual. Yes it feels amazing to feel empowered but it feels more amazing to feel loved and cared for and empowered by something greater than me. God’s power. God’s promises. God’s healing. God’s redirections. God’s perfect will. God’s salvation from all situations and God’s miracles in shifting us from a state of despair and anxiety into a state of peace and prosperity.

The only thing required of us is faith. But faith without works is dead. Doesn’t that get confusing? I often ask God, if I surrender everything to you then what part is mine to play? Where do I rise up and step into action and how will I know when you’re telling me to move or when it’s my own monkey brain telling me to move? Prayer feels so powerful but I don’t seem to stay there long. And if I pray all day everyday what will ever get done?