The Truth

Dear D…

I’m angry and frustrated because you don’t remember me and that seems unfair that I. have to carry so many secrets. It’s heavy. It’s also not what I do. I learned throughout this life how damaging it is to lie to someone or withhold telling someone a matter that lives inside of the heart. Well at least I think that’s where this is stored.

I’ve had abilities my entire life that I don’t understand. I’ve had dreams of world events that come true shortly after (like 911 for example). I don’t ask to know anything it just happens to me and then I have to try to sort it out alone because speaking of such things would land me in a one way ticket into the looney bin.

When I met you that first night in Aria I recognized you. I don’t what else to call it; there was an inner feeling of coming home to something that I didn’t know existed – nor did I know I was missing anything. I couldn’t sleep that night. You might recall you went out to get me sleeping drugs and some weird starbucks drink to help me get some rest. But whatever was going on inside of me wasn’t going to be solved with a pack of Advil. I was shaking all night. My body felt as if I was experiencing hypothermia and yet my skin was warm. It was a pretty intense and terrifying experience. But even that would lead me to a greater level of confusion in what I perceived to be reality. You said something very strange when you dropped me off and it might not have been strange except the moment you said it I felt a shockwave through my system like I’d been struck my lightning. You said, “Don’t disappear on me again.” I’ve never disappeared on you. Anyway.. more on that in a minute.

When I went to Miami I met a woman who was a MD working in the sciences of psychiatry and psychology. I know I’ve talked to you about her – Anne Marie. She worked her way up the system and eventually oversaw a very large group of mental hospitals until she realized that they weren’t there to help people, but instead to diagnose them, put them on drugs they’d never recover from and make millions from the pharmacuetical kickbacks. She couldn’t live with that so she quit and her and her dog took a year to explore the country in a RV while she processed the information and found a way to truly help people. She landed on hypnosis and drug induced healing therapies similiar to what you I assume experienced with Molly.

She talked me in to doing a session with her and that took a very strange turn. Rather than me being the patient, when I was under hypnosis I started talking about her childhood with extreme details down to the blue high heel shoes that she wore daily when she played in her room. They belonged to her mother. Anyway, she was in shock and awe with whatever the heck happened in our hypnosis session and she asked me to sit in with her clients to see if I would “get anything” from whatever source I was tapping into while under trans. And I did. For one of her clients I received visions that I spoke outloud. She took the recording and researched what I spoke of and that led to a diagnosis of cancer and the source (a drug the client was taken than I saw in the vision). There were others – many crazy happenings in these sessions. But then I made a horrible mistake and asked her to put me in trans and take me back to the day I tried to kill myself when I was 17. Apparently when a person is under trans and they go into a memory, the body doesn’t know that it’s not real. So in a strange, “quantum physics way” (as Dr. Anne Marie described it), by doing this session I opened up a window that I’d left in the past long ago. I started having horrible nightmares of things that never even happened in this lifetime. Many of them you were in. They weren’t nightmares like with monsters – they were real life experiences and stories. I can’t even talk details because it would likely trigger you but I’ll just say that even one of your family members appeared in these dreams and spoke to me.

Well, I went back to her in a very awful state telling her we needed to do something to shut whatever kind of pandora’s box I’d opened in these sessions and so we tried to a hypnosis session where I would find the light – the purpose – the point that I needed to process in it all. That’s when I had a very deeply emotional experience. I have the recordings and I can’t even listen to it. I just break out crying uncontrollably. Ok I’m rambling…

What I experienced was lifetimes in the past – memories – with you. There were others in past lifetimes that came into these sessions also but none as much as you. If this stuff is real, and I am convinced that it must be, then we’ve lived many lifetimes together here on earth. I say together, but most of them were quite traumatic in the connections and disconnections. I also saw another woman in two of these memories and I’m quite certain she’s in your life now.

There was a lot of betrayl, a lot of unhappy endings and a lot of karma that kept carrying over. And then there was the very last session I did with Anne Marie that seemed to break it all open and it’s the reason I can’t fight with you. I can’t do this arguing or bickering – I know it’s wrong.

The reason you love the sound of water is because the last time we were on this planet together you spent every single night listening to the ocean waves crash. I watched you. I tried to comfort you but I was dead, (in the body). I wish you could remember this. I’d literally give anything for you to be able to see what I’ve seen and to understand that we aren’t supposed to treat eachother this way. I’m not like anyone you’ve ever met or anyone you ever will meet in this incarnation here on this planet. I would never hurt you and there’s no way to explain in words what I’ve had to forgive in lifetimes upon lifetimes between our two souls. But the one with the water – it was the last one. We learned our lessons in love and on a soul level we vowed to never hurt eachother again.

I understand we were raised in completely different cultures and we’ve had very different experiences that have shaped us and molded us both and we’re not at ages that allow for deep transformation. We’re both deeply programmed and set in our ways with what we’ve been taught and what we’ve determined about the world and our paths inside of it. But I’ve worked hard to try unwind all of this over the last several years. I see the things that divide people and the way the worries of this world and the weights of society at large create prison walls that block us from our own hearts.

I’ve prayed a million prayers because there’s nothing else I can do. I can’t tell you this stuff – you’d just say I’m crazy and tell me to come back down to earth. I just wish you could remember. I wish you could see what I see and connect to what I’ve connected with. But that’s the thing – you must experience it for yourself. I can’t do it with you or for you; no one can. Your own heart has to wake up from the distortion on this planet and connect to remembrance of who you were before you came here.

Maybe an Anne Marie will come into your life soon, maybe you’ll dream strange dreams or have electrifying moments of dejavu. Maybe you’ll see all the signs I see everyday – your name, your birthday and reminders of you at every point of my daily outings. Or maybe none of that will happen and I’ll just fade away in the background on your list of women you once knew. I have to accept that the choice to look inside of yourself and ask questions is yours to make alone.

As for me, I’m grateful that I met you because I remember who I am. It’s not the past life memories that matter but the big picture of things that I have found clarity in. I truly am immortal. I die and come back to life over and over again. Maybe all people are – I’m not sure I can only speak from what I know about myself now. I understand my consciousness never ends and the energy (light) that defines my soul can not be killed; only transferred. There’s a peace about that. And yet, I still struggle to understand why I’d be allowed to see all of this if there weren’t a great purpose behind it all that’s tied to what my soul came here to do in this life.

I believe I’ll see you again at a time when your soul sees my soul and we celebrate the reunion of coming back together in full illumination of all things. It may not happen in this lifetime but it will happen on the other side of time and space.

For now, I have to protect my heart and do my best to stay away. I pray you’ll come find me. I wish it would happen tonight – before the sun sets on another day. But I don’t want you to come until you’re ready to come in love and I don’t think you can do that unless you remember who I am and who I’ve always been to you.

On my 37th birthday I received a promise from a hospital room. My daughter bought me a purple bible, my mother-in-law at the time bought me a purple promise ring and my ex-husband said in a very strange way, “Congratulations, you’re finally going to get the husband you’ve always wanted.” That was eleven years ago.

When I was on the plane moving to Florida, my son told me, “Mom, I keep seeing the repeating number 37 everywhere and I have this odd feeling that it means something good is going to happen. And I think that it’s a message from God over your life.”

The last time I stayed with you in California before I moved, you took us to the Hilton and we stayed in room 837. My son represents the 8 to me because my August 17th baby. But it also represents the infinity sign; the alpha and omega. I knew it was significant and I wondered if you were the one who God created me to be with in the beginning and in the ending too.

Back in May I was praying about what to do with my living situation and I received 3 messages immediately that had the word “Austin” in them. So I told my daughter I’d move with her. We applied at a place online I’d never even visited before called Avalon and Bee Cave. When my daughter first drove me around she said, “Oh look mom, there’s Stewart Street.” It was about half a mile away from our new home. Then she said at the next intersection, “Look, Dave Drive.” I thought that was strange – she knows of you but hasn’t been the biggest fan of me seeing you. Then the very next intersection is called Aria Boulevard. And at the red light directly in front of our building is a place called M Robinson Jewelry. And next to that is the Violet Crown Vet. I wondered right away if the violet crown had something to do with my purple promise ring. And everything around it spoke of you and me.

So tonight, after a long day of seeing the number 37 – starting in Cincinatti where my Father in Heaven once played for the Cincinnati Reds, I hold onto a little glimmer of hope that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be and this is where I’ll receive that promise.

We got into an argument today and I told you I can’t do this anymore. I told you that I’m tired of you making me cry and the words you say to me that break me so easily. I would imagine you think I’m crazy. Shouldn’t I know by now that I’m just a friend with sexual benefits that has long been situated in the box you’re comfortable with? I can’t be in that box anymore. I can’t play the role you’ve assigned to me. It’s not who I am to you and I’d rather be out of your life completely than continue living this lie and holding onto all these secrets while you remain oblivious and unaltered by my presence in your life.

So… since being close to you couldn’t spark a miracle, I have to be far away and pray that my absence will do what my presence never could.

I’m not giving up on you I’m just letting God take the reigns from here.

With love, hope and faith that you will rise above this world of vanity…

J