Only Scotland

Dear D.

I’m in Houston with Drako and leave tomorrow for LA and then on to New York. You know I’ll be there tomorrow because last time we spoke you asked me when I was in town so you could “have sex with me”. Since you brought up sex I asked you if you’d tried to have sex with someone else and you got mad asking me why I ask the same question repeatedly when you told me you hate it. And we went round and round again – except not. I refused to keep going in circles. I told you I’m done. I told you I’m hurting and I had to remove myself and I asked you to leave me alone.

This morning I felt you in my heart speaking to me. I kept saying “I don’t believe this” and something spoke louder, “Yes you do.” I then listened to two messages from a reader on aries and alignments on the way here and got very upset and angry. Tonight I’m realizing there are always two voices and two stories taking place at one time. One story is the energy of the carnal mind and the ego. It’s hungry for information that will paint a story of how this is wrong so that it can protect me and help me walk away and close this door. The other voice speaks to my heart. As I pulled up Alrene’s message laying in bed with Drako I heard “Listen to her and only her.” Then I remembered that I’d never heard anyone speak about Scotland before you. I remember that night so well in your condo in LA. It’s like we went into another world together listening to the same Glass Animals song on repeat together as we layed in bed for hours. You told me about a dream you had to live in Scotland one day and you showed me pictures of the place. Ironically, years after I’ve mentioned Scotland to you – even asked you to go with me on a trip and you said you had no desire to because you’ve already been there before.

This doesn’t seem fair because all along I’ve known you. My soul remembers you. My heart seems to love you without my permission or without giving me any explanation of it. I’ve had many dreams and even visions in hypnosis of past life scenes with you there. I know that I know you but my physical life now and the carnal mind that only understands facts and reasoning strongly opposes this all. I have a war within me that I can’t figure out how to stop.

I know that I can’t stop loving you. I wish I knew how. It’s just so unfair that I have this knowing and you don’t. It’s like loving someone who develops dementia. There are moment when you say things that align with something in me and I know that we are both remembering something from another realm or dimension in time. But they aren’t very often.

I just thought about the movie that you love; the notebook. The man reads stories to her everyday wishing she would wake up and remember who he is and remember their love together. How very sad. I feel like him. I feel like I hang onto this hope everyday that you will wake up one day and remember me. And it hurts so bad that I can’t have that. I wish I could forget also and just move on with my life but I don’t know how.

I got a callback today on the job in Austin and I have a face to face interview with them next Wednesday. I’m hoping to get it and stop flying. I know that somehow I have to close this chapter and try to put this behind me. I feel like I got a crash course on this all with my ex-husband. I had to learn how to love someone who had forgotten about his love he once had for me. It didn’t work out. He never remembered. He betrayed me, hurt me and left me as if I were a stranger.

To go through that again seems very unfair for life to serve me such a cross to bare. I hear two songs constantly, “I knew I loved you before I met you,” and then “All I want is to feel this way,….”

As I look up the lyrics it makes me sad because it speaks of it not working out. It says…

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, feel it say

[Bridge: Glen Phillips]
And it won’t matter now
Whatever happens will be
Though the air speaks of all we’ll never be
It won’t trouble me

So I dont know what to do with that. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to accept that I feel like the entire reason my heart healed and I didn’t die in 2019 was because God and the angels were waking me up to lead me back to you. I feel there was something we both at the soul level wanted to experience and to do together. But I don’t get to make that choice alone. It’s yours.

You have met me just as I met you. You have felt the essence of my presence and the energy of love between us. It’s up to you to dig deep within yourself and figure out if it’s timeless or if it’s of no importance to you and what you feel your here to do and where you belong. I feel I belong with you. I don’t see any other path that my heart is seeking anymore. But I can’t let you treat me like I’m a meaningless sex hook-up. I’m not. To suggest that my life was spared and I was given a second chapter here on earth just to be your booty call is maddening. It’s a kick in the face to divine love and the sacred nature of what God has gifted us both.

You either have to remember me – really remember me or I have to accept that you simply can’t. I guess in that case I should just be grateful that we crossed paths and that I got to experience the beautiful night that I’ve replayed in my mind a million times when you walked into the Aria hotel. It was like homecoming. I had finally found something I didn’t know I’d always been looking for and waiting to find. I guess I have to just be grateful that you are real and no longer just a ghost inside of my dreams. I have to be excited that the ones we lose never are gone – but that we always bump into them at a later time in another life and therefore nothing is every truly lost.

I’d give anything to share that with you. I’d give anything for you to know me and remember me – no wonder I’ve always loved the song Iris.

I hope God has mercy on my heart and my soul now and finds a way to deliver me an easier experience as I walk through these days wishing for something I can’t force into existence – memory beyond the mind. I also keeping hearing the song “Stay” by Shakrespeares Sister and I think about the video. He was on a hospital bed in a coma and she was singing to him begging him to wake up and to stay with her.

I know that our love is more powerful than anything this world could ever give to us. I believe we made a deal in the Heavens to meet again in this life and if our souls truly did such a thing then everything should become quite bland in comparison to what we have found. It has for me. Everything feels like living a lie now that I’ve met you. My old life and everything that once brought me joy and comfort feels like someone else’s life that I don’t know how to belong to.

I wish you could relate. I wish we could openly talk about this and that we were both on the same page and having the same experience. I wish you had dreams about me the way I have about you and that you felt the void in all things other than being in my presence as I feel each time I see you.

At the same time, if you are going through all of these things – I’m sorry. I know how confusing this has been for me and it has made me feel crazy. I hope we both get through this soon and onward to a better day.

I love you and I hope you have sweet dreams tonight. I hope you know that I love you and you feel my love somehow.

Goodnight.