My Son

I wrote a long letter today and placed in my sandbox. I can’t imagine how amazing it will feel to look back one day on all of this that I’ve documented and feel like it’s tales from another person’s life. The pain is beyond words. It comes like these infernos of fire that I can’t escape. I just cry.

He arrived at 4:37 and then it began to shift. There was laughter and calm and conversation. I can’t remember the last time I had good conversation and he makes me feel so accepted and loved. I’m so grateful for my son. God, I hope you hear me up there. Thank you so much for my son. A million times I just want to say thank you for this boy.

I was obedient this go round when I didn’t know what to do and when I had so much fear about moving back in with my daughter and this morning was a moment of my worst fears returning as she unloaded in my text messages a flood of anger because I had stayed up all night waiting on her and worried about her. I felt like I had made a huge mistake and in that space I wanted to repeat an old cycle and reach out to someone for advice. In the past I was comforted by D but I felt God had instructed me to leave him be. And so rather than reach out to anyone, I wrote that long letter to God. I cried and I was shaking and I felt so alone and troubled.

God has shown me that I’m to cast my worries on HIM and him alone. He doesn’t want me to go tell someone when I have a fight with my daughter and it feels so intense to suffer in silence but I feel like today he was showing me that the silence is where he works. When I cry out Abba Father in Heaven from the pit of my heart and keep my lips sealed there’s something that happens in that space. It’s like my prayers are portal’d to Heaven with intensity. Rather than throwing that energy onto deaf ears or telling someone who has no ability or intention to actually ACT to help my situation, I can go to God – the one who can rain down miracles and change situations.

I’ve seen this power work before. When I had no ability to cry out to anyone for help it seems the most powerful moments transpire. When I was dying on my mother’s floor and didn’t even have the strength to crawl or cry out for help Jesus woke me and I prayed and I was saved from it all. When my ex lost consciousness and his head swelled up after brain surgery and I couldn’t find my phone to call 911 and passed out on the bathroom floor Jesus took me into a vision of that death of mine and he said, “How can you doubt me. I’m the one who woke you.” He was saying this to me because I had received a message in prayer during the surgery that it’s over. “It’s over” was all I heard and then the explanation that followed told me that I’ll never have to walk the halls of Nuero-Icu again. When he declares a thing it’s done. It’s completed.

Earlier I wrote about the vision of me happily married and my son healed and with a woman and child and all the joy in that space and I’ve walked through the wilderness for years with no physical evidence that this vision could. be real other than a number my son spoke to me “37” that appears often in my life. That’s not a lot to hold onto. But God showed me in deep anguish and prayer that my promise would come and HE WILL DO IT.

I just heard, “I am for you.” This was Jesus that said this to me and if Christ is for me (the one who holds the keys to life and death and is called the author of my faith and my story then who can possibly stop my promise from being delivered? And the answer is no one – not even me. Even I can’t lose what’s been predestined for me. It’s 1:37 as I just looked at my phone and I’m wearing a big smile for the first time in a long time.

Thank you Lord for this day and for bringing my son home to the place you led me to here in Bee Cave Texas. I’m starting to see that Bee Cave isn’t about going into a hermit mode or hiding away. It’s the place that symbolizes all those prayers I’ve prayed for years with beeswax candles. God showed me the scripture of Revelation 8:4 and I need to remember that every single prayer I sent up with those candles was in fact delivered to the throne by the hands of the Angels.

Just wrote a letter to my daughter about Jesus following an Alan Watts video she shared earlier. Jesus is Lord. I thank you so much Jesus for this night.